Close-minded, yet liberal, many Canadians fail to realize that their country of 30 million people relies on the brand of I.V. bag commonly known as "United States" for life support. 95% of all Canadians live within 200 miles of the U.S. border, as only the extremely hearty citizens (namely, the Inuit) do not necessarily require the support of an I.V. bag. Surprisingly, though, it is estimated that the vast majority of Canadians are willing to risk death just to be taken off their "annoying" life support equipment. But studies predict that a large percentage of Canadians would revert to being on life support after experiencing the trauma of being without it.

A variety of fluids are included in every Canadian's I.V. bag, ranging from music and movie to automobile, beer and language. When one of these fluids is drained from the average bag, a vast majority of patients report increased pain, sobriety and mental stress.

One overlooked medically significant stereotype that applies to Canadians is their strong opinion. This can apply in many contexts. A prime example is the quickness of most Canadians to lose support of their sports teams. When local teams do not fare particularly well, as exemplified by the former Vancouver Grizzlies of the National Basketball Association, the team is forced to move south to other markets due to the rapid losses in attendance. Yet, in their sharply opinionated manner, Canadians are quick to blame their "low-quality" life support technology for such injuries. Of course, the candid observer knows that the injury almost always results from the patients' bad habits.

Perhaps the long-term solution to solve this ongoing problem is to cut off the affected patients' fingers so that they lose the ability to point fingers at their life support equipment for their own mistakes. Many of the doctors that constitute Canada's primary hospital chain (commonly known as American Culture Centres) say that they would be greatly relieved.

John Candy was one of a few Canadians who was exempt from my contempt.