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Dr. Albert S. Meinheimer of the National Academy
of Sciences Commission for Primate Affairs has confirmed that
chimpanzee and human DNA are actually identical. “The chimp
is a human being with a different lifestyle,” Dr. Meinheimer
explained to an emergency assembly of zoo and laboratory directors
that was convened by the White House Commission on Human Rights
to expedite the release of these people into society.
Chimpanzees may no longer be called “chimps”
but must be referred to as “chimpanics,” explained
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginzberg. “Chimpanics
are covered under existing human rights and access legislation,
meaning that they must be accommodated just like anybody else,”
Justice Ginzberg went on to warn.
Justice Department attorney Bruce Wayne announced
that the FBI would be enforcing the immediate release of all
chimpanics from captivity in the United States, and U.S. United
Nations Ambassador John Bolton stated that “it is the President’s
wish that the United States bring the issue of chimpanic rights
up before the Security Council. Chimpanics worldwide must be
released into normal society immediately.”
All American chimpanics are in the process of
being identified and issued social security numbers. Chimpanic
children are expected to be mainstreamed into schools across
the country, under provisions of the “No Child Left Behind
Law.” School systems found isolating them in special classes
will be punished by the withdrawal of federal funds.
Bronx Zoo Chimpanic Affairs Associate (formerly
Monkey House cleaner) George Moppett says, “our bars are
down and our chimpanics are free to come and go as they please.
Most of them are still using the zoo as home base, but one troupe
has already moved to Manhattan.”
It is expected that laboratories and zoos will
have completed the nationwide release of chimpanics by the end
of the week.
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