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 A
group of fifteen chimpanics entered Manhattan’s famed Fedora
City hatshop this morning and ate thirty-five straw hats, including
Panamas worth in excess of $500.00 each. Headwear Diplomate
Ann Sothern said that “they seemed very excited when they
came in, attempting to try on derbies, fedoras and tophats,
but their head sizes were not covered by our stock. That was
when they ate all of our straws.”
A clerk who tried to protect the Panamas was
hit in the head with a large papaya that one of the chimpanics
was carrying. He was treated for shock and a mild concussion
at St. Vincent’s Hospital and released. Police were called,
but refused to act. “This is normal chimpanic behavior,”
Police chimpanic rights expert Dennis Hastert explained. “It
is not a crime for these people to act in this manner. The shop
will have to eat the cost of the hats and try to serve its customers
in a more sensitive way in the future. If chimpanics were assaulted
or demeaned in any way, there will be arrests.”
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