Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken
all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time
my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about
foreign concepts like "style" and "feng
shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual,
metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus
definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch
your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby
announce the start of a new offensive in the culture
wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The RetroSexual Code:
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors
screw up rooms in his house on national TV. A Retrosexual,
no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady.
Even for the ones that fit that term only because they
are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a
flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster,
you DEAL WITH IT.
A
Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it
himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living
to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well.
If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and
drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair
or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket
aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly
2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes
from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly
kill stuff (or people) if need be.
This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion
of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with
"Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive
amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable,
but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to
you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long
run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional
help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction,
death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident,
favorite sports team being moved to a different city,
or favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed
to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough
attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When
you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A
Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe
designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor
knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one
good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic
set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a
straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or
be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun
is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns
are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus
it's just plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that
a Retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with
TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams
are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method
of release is swearing or throwing the remote control.
Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are
not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet
(fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a
major body part.
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't
"Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to
some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy
or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood."
Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or
Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days),
Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy,
Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack,
Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond
Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse
Now, Goodfellas, Reservior Dogs, Fight Club, etc.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus
and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell,
any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers
his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other
so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted
"you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge
properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation.
He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and
habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that
are essential to his manliness, in that they offset
the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged
in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing,
shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his
own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow
(hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving
under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering
his ride on a plow berm.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree
and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is
where he damn well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat
on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person
or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd
Lt) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down
the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the
offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract
-- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand
by his word even if circumstances change or the other
person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately
look to sue someone when he does something stupid and
hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process
of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
Some new ones
from an anonymous contributor:
He doesn't need the gas company to
light his furnace.
He
can rebuild his own damn motor.
He doesn't garnish his walleye with parsley.
He knows beer goes with any meat.
He knows the difference between a big block and a small
block.
He knows the garage is the most important building on
site.
See
the Opposite of Retrosexual...the ridiculous Metrosexual
Thanks to Noah (below) for sending
in most of this gem...I almost want to call it religion.
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