To visiting Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at the Union 76 truckstop in St. Ignace. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day to truckers.  Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns; Negaunee, Ishpeming, L'Anse, Watersmeet, Kiva or Traunik, or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Up here it's called Pop.  Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage and are damned proud of it. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.  Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense. After all, look at all the Yooper crap we sold YOU! You have to make a living up here.  Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) We are fully aware of how much snow we get here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass. In the snow.

7) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist.  Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake!   And don't ask just what the hell a pasty is or we'll REALLY kick your ass.

8) Don't try to fake a Yooper accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie "Escanaba in Da Moonlight" as that will incite a riot and you will get your ass ROYALLY kicked.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, LA, and Minneapolis and we have the scars to prove it.  Some of us have even lived there but had the sense to come back. If you don't like it here, American Airlines is ready when you are. Drag your ass on out to the airport before it gets kicked.

10) Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care.  If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's 10 degrees below zero then you should go home and try fishing in New  York Harbor. Also, if you hog the heater in the ice fishing shack we'll kick your ass and shove it down the hole.

11) Don't complain that Minnesota has 10,000 lakes and the Upper Peninsula doesn't. We actually have BIGGER Lakes and don't bother naming lakes that are only the size of small puddles, so if you whine we'll kick your ass all the way back to Minneapolis.

12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to.  We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) Don't tell us that we left our truck running at the grocery store.  We already know! We don't have to worry that someone will steal it.  Hell, we don't even lock our doors at night. Anyone attempting to steal from us will likely get their ass kicked. Also, reminding us that we "forgot" to shut off our engines at the gas pump is also reason enough for an ass kicking.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the snowbelt of the United States? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA.  Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DON'T YOU DARE come up here and tell us how the Packers, Lions and Tigers suck (only Yoopers and true fans can do this).  If you do, this will get your ass shot by a guy named Toivo (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

So enjoy your visit to Michigan's Upper Peninsula, and act like Yooper!